As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
🌱🌱🌱
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone