As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.