As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.