As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Finally!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’ll be mad as hell!
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
this is the best day of my life
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow