As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
For the baby who has everything
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.