As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I have obtained a hat
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper