As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Every BBC series about the universe.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526