As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Oh deer
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
That 👊
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified