As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls