As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
You Might Also Like
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache