as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The Sun
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
work smarter, not harder
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.