As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
That eye roll….
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
he was correct
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting