As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You Might Also Like
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.