@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

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@chopper4jk

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

@JohnLyonTweets

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

@Mehrwane

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

@Leemanish

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

@raoulvilla

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

@momoneycomedy

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

@Try2StopME

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

@WowItsStephen

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

@envydatropic

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

@WilliamAder

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.