As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.