As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
hi why am I like this
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?