As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.


Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.


I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up


*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*


My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.


HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?


Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no