As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My dog learned how to text
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”