As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me, reading some of your tweets
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die