As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
You Might Also Like
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
😂😂😂
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Facebook Twitter
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.