As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now