As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*