As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
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*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.