As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Barbie gone wild
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”