As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
sigh
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first