As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour