As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
no one ever comes back
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
why would tinder want me to say this
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.