As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
You Might Also Like
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
no refunds
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Sharon I have some bad news
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.