As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Its a hippotatomus
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Somebody call the cops.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house