@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

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@donni

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

@markedly

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

@Amanisnotadoor

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@HatfieldAnne

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

@trashcanbee

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@causticbob

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

@MichaelTrying

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?