As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?