As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing