As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff