As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I have no passwords left in me
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic