As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
You Might Also Like
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Finally
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.