As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Why font matters.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.