As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
pizza
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.