As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.