as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?