As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Thoughts
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I have a type: disappointing
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.