As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sniffing the broccoli
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own