As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.