As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
You Might Also Like
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
So inspired right now.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
mentally somewhere in italy
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
That’s amazing.