As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
just got my engagement photos
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪