As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
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Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.