As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Möther may I have a snäck
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
The internet is full of many things
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper