As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Breaking news:
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen