@JoParkerBear You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
@Xalqee As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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@JoParkerBear 
@ariscott For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
@Mardigroan Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
@holly_hjk If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
@RodLacroix Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
@pleatedjeans [1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
@goodgrief_rats I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
@DirtMcTurd Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
@SamGrittner I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
@robyn_vo According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.