As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.


For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.


If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)


Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND


[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.


Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”


I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it


According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.