As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.