As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?