As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”