As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”