As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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Breakfast for Stoners:
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.